Re-Introducing ME
Thursday, July 22, 2010 
6:41 AM ♥
I guess I am really going to make journal entries, instead of vlogs. I don't know. But I noticed that I like to type, out what I think, do, and say. Rather than actually video recording myself. It makes me less fake, and more open to write/type my thoughts out. Besides this way it makes it more personal to me. I also, get to choose a neat font for my words. haha funny thing is, when I type things out, the voice of my mind tends to be a British voice. Go Figure. Also, I tend to type as if someone is reading this other than me. It's an audience of no one. Also, no one can judge my shitty spelling or bad language. Even though, knowing me, I will most likely post this on a blog site that I have made for myself. Just so, if someone actually gives a shit about what I say or think or just want to stalk me. They could. haha Also, I almost never use any other kind of Punctuation, than a comma and a period, and maybe some quotations, etc... Pretty much I don't use semi-colons or colons very often. Grammar doesn't really play a huge roll in my life, expectally when I think shit out. And honestly, people who go through others, writings on the net or what not, and start bitching about the grammar. Well, they can all go and fuck themselves with a sand-paper dildo with sharp needle at the tip. Why does it matter really anyway? Language is for communication to other beings. Also, honestly, for the majority, no one speaks with the correct grammar; there are too many dialects per language. And text book English, is theory not practice. Any case, I don't care too much about useless shit.
My phone just beeped, meaning it is completely charged, just in case you wanted to know about my phone's life statues.
Any case, I think I need to cover things on various subject to get on a ground level with myself, you maybe, on who I am and think. Let's think of it as a self analysis.
Me:
If you haven't guessed it by now; I like headings. They organize things out. Even though I have a really crappy ability on picking names for such matters. Like this one says 'me' but honestly this whole think is 'me'. Idk, I need to improve on such matters. Well, for one, you need to know some basics of what makes up Chris.
When it comes to me, there are only a few things that are set in stone. In other words, these are facts and they will never change.
- I am 100% male. It sounds stupid for me to put a percentage but you never know. There are some people who are both and some who want to change.
- I have Brown eyes. I am 5'9", and I do not know my dick size. Just in case if you were wondering. lol
- I am Gay. Trust this is will never change. Just saying. A healthy built, handsome guy will always knock my socks. It also helps if they are a naturally tan one. In other words, Hispanic or Italian, etc.
Some thinks that change tends to vary from: friends, foods, interests. And thinks like that. Just like most people but with me, I think it changes more than most. Excpecially my interest. Seeing how, I try to fill my time up with a shit load to do and my constant need for knowledge.
Anyway, move along. Now with a general bases.. I will split up the next sections of 'Me' ground levels into it's own post.
Friends:
I remember growing up in school, and everyone wanted to be popular, to be liked by everyone. I, myself, was no exception. But honestly, I had a tough time making friends, and then after that, keep them. I think my low self esteem played a huge role. Hell, I knew I was skinny, and kind of dorky. But what set me different from most boys were the facts that I couldn't relate to other boys well. Hell, looking back, 90% of my friends were girls. I use to play with dolls and such, heck if you walked in my room, back then, you would think it belonged to a girl. Well, till I was maybe 10. And until I hit school, I never thought there was anything wrong with me liking girl's things, and wanting what they wanted. But once I really started to look around, especially in Kindergarten. I notice that boy shouldn't be like me. So I started showing less on what I had at home. I tried playing with boys more, but in turn I would chill with the chicks. I tried to play with guy toys, but in turn, I found 'war' games and such to become so boring. So when it came with girls it was easy for me to make friends. With guys, it takes a little more work. It was especially difficult when I was younger, because I would want to be friends with a girl. But then everyone thought we were like together. It was stupid. And with boy, they were to.... boy like. To different then myself.
But yeah, any case, popularity, was stupid. Once I hit high school. I stopped giving a damn. But middle school. It was something I wanted. Maybe because, I stopped playing with dolls, and my dad taught me to act... normal. So I tried to get to know ppl better, especially other guys as friends. But what made things like this worse during this time. Was hitting puberty. Now, I knew. I would get the normal shit. But what I was lied to about was, the fact of what I found attractive. I was told that yeah, I wanted to be around girls. But once I was in puberty I would look at a girl more provocatively. Which to think about it. Never happened. I would look at other boys that I found attractive, and feel that way. And seeing how shy I was already, I now had a hard time talking to a guy I liked, (just to be friends as a motive) so, this made friend making harder. Lol also, bullying was somewhat of an issue. Around 7th grade, boys would start to pick on me for being queer. Even though I don't think I gave on to such things. But then again, people just say shit to be hurt full. And the funny thing is, I have yet to be bullied about being Gay, while out of the closet. Maybe because people know that I don't care, I know what I am?!? But yeah, also, I remember, always trying to have a certain group of people is my friend. Even though I was somewhat of a friend, but they never bothered to ask me to hang out or shit like that. They'd only talk to me at school. This didn't change even in high school. Even though by 11th grade pretty much told them all that they're: Fake, shitty, stuck up little bitches. And after I realized that the 4/ to 5 close friends that I had in my life where all that I needed. I pretty much told the others to fuck themselves. I would talk to them. But they ment shit to me. I can't believe I tried to be part of their inner circles. But once I kept my real friends. I realized I was fine. Lol so for the last years of school, Nayomi, Katja, Chelsey, Courtney, and Sam. Where really the only people that really mattered. But even now, after high school is done with, I wonder on how important I am to these girls. Nayomi and chelsey moved away my senior year. Chels and I don't speak much anymore. Nayomi is now drifting away, to her new friends. Sam and I never really saw each other out of school. Katja... well hell, I try to see her and she text me some. Courtney... Idk, she drifted away, I think her new friends are more important.
So once again, I feel alone. I honestly don't think I am a bad friend or whatever. I care too much. call/text/ see what people are doing. But I am not important enough to see or to hear from. I kind of bother me a lot. I hate being alone. It never fails. I somehow push people away. They all say I am so interesting and so awesome. But really, I never see the actions of these words. I would call courtney up to see if we are ever to chill. But no. She is somewhere else. And if I even bother to ask to chill with her there. She give this lame as shit, "well, you don't know these people. idk if you want to be around them?" It's like I am being protect from a feather. WTF... honestly, if you don't want me around just say it. Don't make yourself sound like a FT1. Anyhow... I bitch too much. But honestly, I hate being alone. I hate feeling unimportant to people that I shouldn't.
I remember growing up in school, and everyone wanted to be popular, to be liked by everyone. I, myself, was no exception. But honestly, I had a tough time making friends, and then after that, keep them. I think my low self esteem played a huge role. Hell, I knew I was skinny, and kind of dorky. But what set me different from most boys were the facts that I couldn't relate to other boys well. Hell, looking back, 90% of my friends were girls. I use to play with dolls and such, heck if you walked in my room, back then, you would think it belonged to a girl. Well, till I was maybe 10. And until I hit school, I never thought there was anything wrong with me liking girl's things, and wanting what they wanted. But once I really started to look around, especially in Kindergarten. I notice that boy shouldn't be like me. So I started showing less on what I had at home. I tried playing with boys more, but in turn I would chill with the chicks. I tried to play with guy toys, but in turn, I found 'war' games and such to become so boring. So when it came with girls it was easy for me to make friends. With guys, it takes a little more work. It was especially difficult when I was younger, because I would want to be friends with a girl. But then everyone thought we were like together. It was stupid. And with boy, they were to.... boy like. To different then myself.
But yeah, any case, popularity, was stupid. Once I hit high school. I stopped giving a damn. But middle school. It was something I wanted. Maybe because, I stopped playing with dolls, and my dad taught me to act... normal. So I tried to get to know ppl better, especially other guys as friends. But what made things like this worse during this time. Was hitting puberty. Now, I knew. I would get the normal shit. But what I was lied to about was, the fact of what I found attractive. I was told that yeah, I wanted to be around girls. But once I was in puberty I would look at a girl more provocatively. Which to think about it. Never happened. I would look at other boys that I found attractive, and feel that way. And seeing how shy I was already, I now had a hard time talking to a guy I liked, (just to be friends as a motive) so, this made friend making harder. Lol also, bullying was somewhat of an issue. Around 7th grade, boys would start to pick on me for being queer. Even though I don't think I gave on to such things. But then again, people just say shit to be hurt full. And the funny thing is, I have yet to be bullied about being Gay, while out of the closet. Maybe because people know that I don't care, I know what I am?!? But yeah, also, I remember, always trying to have a certain group of people is my friend. Even though I was somewhat of a friend, but they never bothered to ask me to hang out or shit like that. They'd only talk to me at school. This didn't change even in high school. Even though by 11th grade pretty much told them all that they're: Fake, shitty, stuck up little bitches. And after I realized that the 4/ to 5 close friends that I had in my life where all that I needed. I pretty much told the others to fuck themselves. I would talk to them. But they ment shit to me. I can't believe I tried to be part of their inner circles. But once I kept my real friends. I realized I was fine. Lol so for the last years of school, Nayomi, Katja, Chelsey, Courtney, and Sam. Where really the only people that really mattered. But even now, after high school is done with, I wonder on how important I am to these girls. Nayomi and chelsey moved away my senior year. Chels and I don't speak much anymore. Nayomi is now drifting away, to her new friends. Sam and I never really saw each other out of school. Katja... well hell, I try to see her and she text me some. Courtney... Idk, she drifted away, I think her new friends are more important.
So once again, I feel alone. I honestly don't think I am a bad friend or whatever. I care too much. call/text/ see what people are doing. But I am not important enough to see or to hear from. I kind of bother me a lot. I hate being alone. It never fails. I somehow push people away. They all say I am so interesting and so awesome. But really, I never see the actions of these words. I would call courtney up to see if we are ever to chill. But no. She is somewhere else. And if I even bother to ask to chill with her there. She give this lame as shit, "well, you don't know these people. idk if you want to be around them?" It's like I am being protect from a feather. WTF... honestly, if you don't want me around just say it. Don't make yourself sound like a FT1. Anyhow... I bitch too much. But honestly, I hate being alone. I hate feeling unimportant to people that I shouldn't.
Relationships:
Now If I look back on all my relationships, AFTER I came out and accepted the fact that I am Gay. Is that, all my boyfriends, with the exception of 2, tend to treat me more of a SEX object. Once again, of what I see, that mean very little to them, except for sex. Hence why none of my relationships last longer than a week. Jonathon was more for the sex, and a weekend fling. Also, he really irritates me. But he never had sex with me! If getting and giving a Blow job is SEX. Then yeah we did, but I don't view oral as sex. Idk, it's so un-personal and not even romantic. Just my thoughts on that matter. Scotty, He wasn't really my type, physically, but his personality was so in tune with mine. Maybe that is why we are still buddies. James, well, he is real nice. He had no intention, of what I saw, to just fuck me. Also with what I learn, much after the relationship, about him made everything make sense. But it ended up that we had no chemistry at all. We didn't have much in common. Carlos, he was... confusing. He is the main reason why I came to terms with myself being gay. He was the one onto, whom I wanted to be with from the very beginning. Even when I dated or talked to other guys, He was always in the back of my head. Even though our relationship was more of an Emotional Abuse. At first, when no one knew about me... or him, things were fine. He would talk flirt, all that bull shit. But once I told some of my friends and what not. He distanced himself. Then it was an on and off thing, he would randomly call or talk to me. And then he would ignore me. And of course I was more of a sex thing with him. Whereas on my case, I loved him. It sounds so stupid to say, but I did. I pretty much wasted the last two years of my high school life, on this dip wad. I guess I matter to him, but not nearly enough onto what he ment to me. In my own opinion if he did give a shit about me, he was pussy to say shit. He would call me a PUNK, but he was. Anyway, enough said about him. Funny thing is, I say his name and think about him. And the pain in my heart that use to be there.... isn't there anymore. I think I am over him to a large degree.
Now I think, I only dated like....Now I have to say, I only dated 4 guys, including my current Boyfriend. But I have talked to a couple more. But those went as fast as they went. But I have to say, that one of them, I would have dated if he never moved. But the others might as well just be friends. but I noticed that with most guys, they will complement and talk a whole lot of shit just to get into my pants. I think only one of my boyfriends actually, succeeded in doing so. lol But I'll leave that of another topic.
I honestly think I make a good boyfriend. I am very committed, no matter what. I try to fit my new profound hunk into my life. I care for them from the very beginning. Hell also, I love to just lie in bed and just hold and be held. On top of that, if you know how to talk, it is just a 90% interest boost. But on top of that, I am very picky. If I like the guy, I will jump on it, and I am not refereeing to his dick. So in allot of ways I am a good boyfriend. But I do have my issues; pretty much you should be able to put up with my strange personality, and some of the thinks care with. Loll but who doesn't. But in all and all, the guy just has to make his move, and try to care as much about me.
Now If I look back on all my relationships, AFTER I came out and accepted the fact that I am Gay. Is that, all my boyfriends, with the exception of 2, tend to treat me more of a SEX object. Once again, of what I see, that mean very little to them, except for sex. Hence why none of my relationships last longer than a week. Jonathon was more for the sex, and a weekend fling. Also, he really irritates me. But he never had sex with me! If getting and giving a Blow job is SEX. Then yeah we did, but I don't view oral as sex. Idk, it's so un-personal and not even romantic. Just my thoughts on that matter. Scotty, He wasn't really my type, physically, but his personality was so in tune with mine. Maybe that is why we are still buddies. James, well, he is real nice. He had no intention, of what I saw, to just fuck me. Also with what I learn, much after the relationship, about him made everything make sense. But it ended up that we had no chemistry at all. We didn't have much in common. Carlos, he was... confusing. He is the main reason why I came to terms with myself being gay. He was the one onto, whom I wanted to be with from the very beginning. Even when I dated or talked to other guys, He was always in the back of my head. Even though our relationship was more of an Emotional Abuse. At first, when no one knew about me... or him, things were fine. He would talk flirt, all that bull shit. But once I told some of my friends and what not. He distanced himself. Then it was an on and off thing, he would randomly call or talk to me. And then he would ignore me. And of course I was more of a sex thing with him. Whereas on my case, I loved him. It sounds so stupid to say, but I did. I pretty much wasted the last two years of my high school life, on this dip wad. I guess I matter to him, but not nearly enough onto what he ment to me. In my own opinion if he did give a shit about me, he was pussy to say shit. He would call me a PUNK, but he was. Anyway, enough said about him. Funny thing is, I say his name and think about him. And the pain in my heart that use to be there.... isn't there anymore. I think I am over him to a large degree.
Now I think, I only dated like....Now I have to say, I only dated 4 guys, including my current Boyfriend. But I have talked to a couple more. But those went as fast as they went. But I have to say, that one of them, I would have dated if he never moved. But the others might as well just be friends. but I noticed that with most guys, they will complement and talk a whole lot of shit just to get into my pants. I think only one of my boyfriends actually, succeeded in doing so. lol But I'll leave that of another topic.
I honestly think I make a good boyfriend. I am very committed, no matter what. I try to fit my new profound hunk into my life. I care for them from the very beginning. Hell also, I love to just lie in bed and just hold and be held. On top of that, if you know how to talk, it is just a 90% interest boost. But on top of that, I am very picky. If I like the guy, I will jump on it, and I am not refereeing to his dick. So in allot of ways I am a good boyfriend. But I do have my issues; pretty much you should be able to put up with my strange personality, and some of the thinks care with. Loll but who doesn't. But in all and all, the guy just has to make his move, and try to care as much about me.
Sex:
I think this would be appropriate enough to talk about. Seeing how it was kind of touched on in Relationships.
Strangely enough, as much as my friends and I talk about this subject. It really doesn't run my life, like it does for allot of guys. When I meet a guy I don't think of the many ways I could fuck him. I just on where we can go from just sitting at, where we met, and progress to something more. I guess, I don't like sex that much, even though I sometimes sound like I do. Maybe my dislike is because; no one really has found how to do me. I guess you can say. Idk, I think I have less nervous feeling on my dick or my orphes. Idk, I just lay there and go through the motions. The only way it can be pleasurable for me, would be if there is a lot of other bodily contact. But I prefer to just to cuddle, and kiss. Hell, my current Boyfriend, he has opened new doors. lol It is rather interesting to be around. also, It makes it rather difficult for us to go to sleep. Even though the first night we met, we did have sex. I know, I am very bad. It is probably the most random sex I ever had. To think about it, I don't think anyone knows all of who I screwed with. But needless to say, I am not easy. I only have sex when I get desperate! So that follows with having some regrettable sex. So, I can say, I can think of 3. And 2 that were kind of regrettable. And then there is 3 that I enjoyed I would do again. So, if you are keeping up that are 8 people. That number bothers me. But it's all good. I try to pretend that the Regrettable sex never happened. Which it should, if you know the reasons for them to happen. But then again.... welcome to being a male. Males get horney, and they will try whatever possible to get a release. But not to forget that woman are the same way, but not to the extreme of which males want sex. It's kind of ridicules that my mind is constantly craving for such things. But I don't let that craving control my mind. Also what I have noticed... irk if I am alone on this... I can Turn-off as fast as I Turn-on. One small thing can make me tell the person, "Get the fuck off me!" I guess, I am like a girl on that sense. But also, I like Kissing and holding so much more... then actually having sex.
When it comes to actually doing the act. I would prefer the top... unless; you know I am dating them for a while. Idk, why I am that way, but I am. Some people think I am the Bottom. But that is only the case when I really like the person. But till then, I will only be top. Point Blank! hahaha But there have been a few that have succeeded into putting me on bottom.
Also, like most people, I have had a couple partners that Completely Sucked. Like afterwards I wanted to shoot my brains out at the disappointment. But I never let them know.... except for one. I also, noticed, I have sex when I fight with my partner. Either make up sex... or even with a whole nother person, but that only happens when me and my Boyfriend Break up. On that note, let's bring up the fact about Cheating. I have NEVER cheated on any of my boyfriends, nor will I. I find it completely stupid. If you want another person, stop fucking with your current partners mind. And break it off before you do shit. It's just a poor excuse to end a relationship. Point made. I think this sums up my sexual stance for now.
I think this would be appropriate enough to talk about. Seeing how it was kind of touched on in Relationships.
Strangely enough, as much as my friends and I talk about this subject. It really doesn't run my life, like it does for allot of guys. When I meet a guy I don't think of the many ways I could fuck him. I just on where we can go from just sitting at, where we met, and progress to something more. I guess, I don't like sex that much, even though I sometimes sound like I do. Maybe my dislike is because; no one really has found how to do me. I guess you can say. Idk, I think I have less nervous feeling on my dick or my orphes. Idk, I just lay there and go through the motions. The only way it can be pleasurable for me, would be if there is a lot of other bodily contact. But I prefer to just to cuddle, and kiss. Hell, my current Boyfriend, he has opened new doors. lol It is rather interesting to be around. also, It makes it rather difficult for us to go to sleep. Even though the first night we met, we did have sex. I know, I am very bad. It is probably the most random sex I ever had. To think about it, I don't think anyone knows all of who I screwed with. But needless to say, I am not easy. I only have sex when I get desperate! So that follows with having some regrettable sex. So, I can say, I can think of 3. And 2 that were kind of regrettable. And then there is 3 that I enjoyed I would do again. So, if you are keeping up that are 8 people. That number bothers me. But it's all good. I try to pretend that the Regrettable sex never happened. Which it should, if you know the reasons for them to happen. But then again.... welcome to being a male. Males get horney, and they will try whatever possible to get a release. But not to forget that woman are the same way, but not to the extreme of which males want sex. It's kind of ridicules that my mind is constantly craving for such things. But I don't let that craving control my mind. Also what I have noticed... irk if I am alone on this... I can Turn-off as fast as I Turn-on. One small thing can make me tell the person, "Get the fuck off me!" I guess, I am like a girl on that sense. But also, I like Kissing and holding so much more... then actually having sex.
When it comes to actually doing the act. I would prefer the top... unless; you know I am dating them for a while. Idk, why I am that way, but I am. Some people think I am the Bottom. But that is only the case when I really like the person. But till then, I will only be top. Point Blank! hahaha But there have been a few that have succeeded into putting me on bottom.
Also, like most people, I have had a couple partners that Completely Sucked. Like afterwards I wanted to shoot my brains out at the disappointment. But I never let them know.... except for one. I also, noticed, I have sex when I fight with my partner. Either make up sex... or even with a whole nother person, but that only happens when me and my Boyfriend Break up. On that note, let's bring up the fact about Cheating. I have NEVER cheated on any of my boyfriends, nor will I. I find it completely stupid. If you want another person, stop fucking with your current partners mind. And break it off before you do shit. It's just a poor excuse to end a relationship. Point made. I think this sums up my sexual stance for now.
Closer:
I think I am done with the more eye opening subjects. These will hopefully be things I write the end of everyday. Almost a recording of my life, after high school. How exciting. even though I am debiting if I should write them in one of my old diarys. But then I would have to re-write all of this shit... yey me an my life. Also, I have found that I don't like my handwriting. so also, when I write fast, my writing becomes nearly unreadable. Once again, how exciting for my life abilitys. Anycase, I think I will end this intro.
This is now the end of the Ground level Posts yey for surviving.
I think I am done with the more eye opening subjects. These will hopefully be things I write the end of everyday. Almost a recording of my life, after high school. How exciting. even though I am debiting if I should write them in one of my old diarys. But then I would have to re-write all of this shit... yey me an my life. Also, I have found that I don't like my handwriting. so also, when I write fast, my writing becomes nearly unreadable. Once again, how exciting for my life abilitys. Anycase, I think I will end this intro.
This is now the end of the Ground level Posts yey for surviving.
♥ 0 Make Wishes
♡ 
December 2007